Welcome!

Date: 2011.05.24 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 13

THE WHOLE-BRAIN CHILD is a bestseller!  I’m excited to let you know that my new book, co-authored with Dan Siegel and published by Random House, has been listed for several weeks on the Los Angeles Times Bestseller List.

Harvey Karp (The Happiest Baby on the Block) says that Dan and I “turn leading brain science into simple, smart–and effective–solutions to your child’s struggles,” and Mary Pipher (Reviving Ophelia) calls The Whole-Brain Child “my new baby gift.”  You can see other blurbs to the right.

Order your own copy!  (Or order two and give one to a friend or family member.)

Thanks for reading.

Tina

Common Discipline Mistakes Even the Best Parents Make: Part 1

Date: 2012.03.15 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 17

[This is a revised version of the first article in a two-part series.  Click here to see the second four mistakes.]

Because we’re always parenting our children, it takes real effort to look at our discipline strategies objectively.  Good intentions can become less-than-effective habits quickly, and that can leave us operating blindly, disciplining in ways we might not if we thought much about it.  Here are some parenting mistakes made by even the best-intentioned, most well-informed parents, along with practical suggestions that might come in handy the next time you find yourself in one of these situations.

Common Discipline Mistake #1:  We lay down the law in an emotional moment, then realize we’ve overreacted.

Have you reacted in a way that was a bit “supersized” for the behavior you were trying to address?  Maybe your child’s actions didn’t warrant such a dramatic pronoucement:  “You can’t go swimming for the rest of the summer!”  Or maybe the consequences even had to do with something you were counting on:  “Stop calling your brother names or you can’t go to Grandma’s house today.”  Of course, she again calls him “stinky-head” and calls your bluff.  Your options at this point are to either miss your lunch with your friends or show your child that you don’t mean what you say.

In these moments, give yourself permission to rectify the situation.  Obviously, follow-through is important once you’ve set boundaries; otherwise, you’ll lose credibility in your child’s eyes and your child will not have the security of knowing where the limits are.  But there are ways to be consistent and still get out of the bind you’re in.  For example,  Read the rest of this entry »

Common Discipline Mistakes Made by Even the Best Parents: Part 2

Date: 2012.03.15 | Category: Parenting | Response: 8

[This is a revision of the second article in a two-part series.  Click here to see the first four mistakes.]

Here are more discipline mistakes made by even the best-intending, most well-informed parents, along with practical suggestions that might come in handy the next time you find yourself in one of these situations.

Common Discipline Mistake #5:  We get trapped in power struggles.

Everyone says to avoid power struggles.  But no one seems to tell us what to do once we’ve gotten ourselves into an inevitable one.  And when our kids feel backed into a corner, they instinctually fight back or totally shut down.  So here are three ways to help you get out of those lose-lose power struggles you sometimes find yourself in.

A.  Give your child an out or a choice that allows her to comply with your expectations, while still saving face:  “Would you like to get a drink first, and then we’ll pick up the toys?”  The phrase “It’s your choice” can be a powerful tool to wield, since it gives your child some amount of power, which can often diffuse stand-offs.  So maybe you ask, “Would you like to get ready for bed now and read four bedtime stories tonight, or play 10 minutes longer and read two stories?  It’s your choice.”  (If she chooses fewer stories, it’s a good idea to remind her several times before story-time about her choice.)

B.  Negotiate:  “We’re not really getting anywhere here, are we?  Let’s see if we can figure out a way for both of us to get what we need.”  Obviously, there are some non-negotiable issues, but negotiation isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a Read the rest of this entry »

On Spanking: Hoping for a More Sophisticated Discussion

Date: 2012.01.29 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 0

Last week Dr. Drew Pinsky asked me to come on his show “Life Changers” to discuss spanking as a discipline approach.  I ended up getting to say only a minute fraction of what I wanted to say about this polarizing discipline strategy, so I decided to share some of my thoughts here.

The parents I’ve talked to about spanking are almost always very strong in their position, but they avoid talking about it with other parents, and when the discussion begins, it’s almost never a respectful, open conversation among people who really are willing to listen to the other side.

I feel compelled to really have those conversations, so I’ll be doing more of this in the coming months, both informally at the park and on the ballfield, and also publicly in various formats.  In order to get the ball rolling, what you’ll see below are my answers to the questions Dr. Drew’s producer asked me in our pre-show correspondence.

WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE DEBATE OF TO SPANK OR NOT TO SPANK?

Anyone who’s heard me speak knows that I am really big on boundaries and on parents being authority figures.  And still, I am against spanking.  I think that using physical force, particularly against a child, is wrong.   The idea of inflicting physical (even minor) pain on a child is unsettling to me.  Beyond that, I firmly believe that when you understand how the brain works, you see that spanking is often counter-productive when it comes to teaching our kids the lessons we want them to learn.

However, that being said, it’s not really all that simple.  Two particular points make the whole question about spanking a complex one in my mind.  The first is that there are really good, loving parents who spank.  I have friends who spank calmly and with nurturing conversations with their children regarding their discipline.  They are intentional about how and WHY they do it.  I know these parents well, and I’ve seen how great their kids are turning out, and how loved those kids feel.  So those of us who don’t spank need to avoid the temptation to caricature parents who use corporal punishment, seeing them as out-of-control child abusers whose kids will turn out to be violent monsters.

The second point that complicates matters is that there are plenty of non-spanking discipline approaches that can be more damaging than spanking.  I know that I myself have been guilty of Read the rest of this entry »

Knowledge, Instinct, and Self-Understanding: Basic Parenting Tips

Date: 2012.01.10 | Category: Parenting | Response: 0

There’s plenty of advice available on parenting, but there’s no one Parenting Rulebook that answers all parenting questions.  In fact, it’s helpful to have a handful of different strategies and approaches, and to keep in mind that your approaches should evolve as you mature as a parent, and as you approach each new phase of childhood.  It’s almost always problematic when parents rigidly adhere to any one philosopy.

My overall suggestion?  Combine knowledge, instinct, and self-understanding.

Knowledge

Knowledge is definitely power, and parents usually find it useful to have a few strategies to help them parent their children.  Simply by reading and talking to other parents, you can arm yourself with all kinds of tools and approaches to help you more easily teach your children and discover a philosophy of parenting you feel good about.

Knowledge is also powerful when it comes to dealing with developmental phases and challenges, from the early newborn days all the way through adolescence.  When a new mother becomes frustrated because her six-week-old is nursing every hour all day long, a part of her may begin to resent the infant because of this loss of freedom.  However, if she were to read a bit about newborns and their growth patterns, she’d discover that during a growth spurt, a baby will often “cluster feed” for a week or two.  An understanding of this important phase in her son’s life can help the mother be much more patient and understanding, even if she continues to feel a bit frustrated about the amount of time she’s spending nursing.

The same would apply to a toddler.  A father can address the tantrums of his two-year-old much more lovingly and effectively if he has an understanding of what this phase means for his daughter (that one of her most important jobs at this age is to discover and assert her own independent self).  Again, his frustration (and even anger) may still be there, but the father can handle those emotions much better if he can understand that his daughter is in the process of claiming her own personhood and testing to what extent she is actually separating from her parents.

The basic idea is that knowledge can help you view parenting struggles as opportunities to know your children better and to help them through difficult times.  It doesn’t mean that you won’t get frustrated; but good information can make all the difference in your perspective.  The more we can understand our children and learn about their process of development, the better prepared we’ll be to guide them along their journey toward healthy adulthood.

Instinct

Be wary of any parenting approaches that offer an “all or nothing” mentality or that seem extreme.  Certain “parenting gurus” will present Read the rest of this entry »

Why We Should NOT Ignore a Tantrum — or — Where NPR’s Health Blog Missed the Boat

Date: 2012.01.02 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 0

Several people have asked me recently about Shankar Vendantam’s post on NPR’s Health Blog, where he writes about a subject I’ve discussed a good bit:  tantrums.  In Vendantam’s article, he discusses a recent study that appeared in the journal Emotion, where scientists examined different toddler sounds that typify a tantrum.

I find the whole study – which analyzes the patterns of sound and action that usually accompany a tantrum – absolutely fascinating.  And I’m grateful to any scientists (in this case Michael Potegal and James A. Green) who offer us new information that can help us better understand our children so we can be more loving and nurturing as we interact with them.  I also want to mention Vendantam’s book The Hidden Brain.  I haven’t read it yet, but it’s on my “get to” list, since I understand that it raises some really interesting questions regarding how much our brain drives who we are, even without our awareness.

Having said all that, a couple of objections kept nagging at me when I read Vendantam’s blog post about Green and Potegal’s science explaining “what’s behind a temper tantrum.”  Specifically, I kept wanting to hear less about how parents can “get a tantrum to end as soon as possible” (though I totally understand this desire and have felt this way during many of my own children’s tantrums), and more about how parents can be emotionally responsive and present when their kids are upset.

In other words, I wanted a tantrum to be presented not only as an unpleasant experience that parents can learn to manage for their own benefit, but instead as another opportunity to make a child feel Read the rest of this entry »

Empowering our Children against Sexual Abuse

Date: 2011.12.23 | Category: Parenting | Response: 6

The holidays can be such a fun time with our kids.  We build memories, create rituals, focus on what’s most meaningful.  Sexual abuse prevention and the nagging thought that “I really should talk to my kids about this” is rarely on our minds during the holidays.   But during this season, as you spend extra time with friends and relatives, be aware that you need to be thinking about protecting your kids as well.  Statistics show that children are much more likely to be sexually abused by someone they know and even trust–including older kids at various parties you attend during the holidays–than by some creepy guy in a van.

Since one-fourth of girls and one-sixth of boys are victims of sexual abuse, this isn’t something we should think we’re immune to.  Now is the time to educate yourself and empower your kids so they know how to respond if they’re in an inappropriate situation.  Talking to them won’t spoil the holiday spirit, and it will make you feel better knowing that you’ve begun these important conversations.

Don’t know what to say?  Don’t want to scare them?  I’ve got help for you.  In the video below, Greg and I visit with Pattie Fitzgerald, founder of Safely Ever After, Inc., about how to not only keep our kids safe, but empower them against sexual abuse.  Also, here’s an article I wrote about the subject in the past.

Worried about Worrying? Discussing Childhood Anxiety on THE INTENTIONAL PARENT

Date: 2011.11.23 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 8

Here’s a recent episode from my new web-based parenting show, “The Intentional Parent.”  This episode features the amazing Dr. Andre Van Rooyen.  Andre, Greg, and I discuss what anxiety is, how to identify it, what different kinds exist, what can cause it, techniques to deal with it, and when/how to manage it with medication.  You can also view it at “The Intentional Parent” website, where there’s a minute-by-minute breakdown of the episode’s content.

A Different Take on Spoiling

Date: 2011.11.21 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 15

The other day a reporter asked me to respond to a few questions about spoiling, and what it means for our kids.  With the holidays coming up, this seems like a pretty timely subject.  Here’s how I answered the reporter’s questions about what spoiling is, and just as importantly, what it’s not.

WHAT IS SPOILING?  DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH MONEY SPENT?  TIME? NEVER SAYING NO? ALL OF THE ABOVE?

Let’s start with what spoiling is not:  Spoiling is NOT about how much love and time and attention you give your kids.  You can’t spoil your children by giving them too much of yourself.  In the same way, you can’t spoil a baby by holding her too much or responding to her needs each time she expresses them.

SO HOW DO WE SPOIL OUR KIDS?

The dictionary definition is “to ruin or do harm to the character or attitude by overindulgence or excessive praise.”  Spoiling can of course happen when we give our kids too much stuff or spend too much money or say yes all the time.   But it’s more than that.  It’s also about giving them the sense that the world and people around them will serve their whims.

Again, it’s impossible to spoil children with too much nurturing or love or attention or time.  Nurturing your relationship with your child or giving them a sense that they are entitled to your love and affection (or holding them when they’re little) is exactly what we should be doing.  In other words, we let them know that they can count on getting their NEEDS met.

Spoiling, on the other hand, occurs when parents (or other caregivers) create their child’s world in such a way that the child feels Read the rest of this entry »

Beyond “How was your day?” – Getting Your Kids to Talk After School

Date: 2011.11.07 | Category: Parenting | Response: 16

It’s a classic parenting dilemma, isn’t it?  How do we get our kids to talk to us?

The conversation itself is even more cliché:

–How was your day?

–Fine.

–Anything interesting happen?

–Not really.

A few years ago I found myself almost literally wincing as I heard myself ask my six-year-old the “How was your day?” question as he got into the car at the pick-up circle.  It’s not that it’s a bad question, it’s just that I knew it wouldn’t encourage him to talk to me.

So why was I even asking the question?  Wasn’t there something else I could do or say or ask that might get him to offer some of the mundane morsels I hungered for when I’d been away from him for six hours while he was at school?

I realized I needed to be more creative when it came to drawing out meaty details about my kids’ school lives.  What I eventually came up with was Read the rest of this entry »